I'm not a free spirit. I enjoy a well laid out plan and order in my life, but not too much. A bit of spontaneity is necessary to ward off routine that becomes confining. As long as I have a destination, I can improvise on the plan to get there. But that doesn't seem to be God's plan for us.
We find ourselves in the landing of waiting. Life change may becoming, but answers don't seem to come. So we don't plan, don't act, and don't seem to live. We exist. We accomplish what needs to be done, and I feel a bit suffocated. I want to breathe easy and live. I long for stability.
I'm at one of those points in life that I don't know what to say or what to do. I hurry up and wait. Long for answers that don't come. Try to beg patience our of a heart that wants to race ahead and plan away.
I know my weakness is a need for control. The reality is that control is an illusion, a mirage in the desert that melts away the closer you get to it. In my quest to gain this control I only find myself tired and frustrated.
Then comes the simple words of hope and refreshment leaping from the words in the devotional book I am reading (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young). My need for answers and my longing heart such beautiful illustrations of God's provision in my life. Answers are coming, but the timing is my hang up. What would it take for me to understand and trust that the God of the universe has a perfect plan for me... faith... and that is a gift, not something I can produce.
My faith is weak and fragile. The faith that He gives is strong and unshakeable. I attempt to plan and earn. He gives and provides. I long for answers and security. He holds his arms open wide to hold me and protect me...even from myself.
For as neglectful as I've been to this blog, I'm not sure if there will even be anyone to read these words, and I'm not really writing for any response. Somehow as I sit here in the quiet the words needed to be spoken, or written to be measured and understood. The rambling thoughts in my heart and mind needed to escape to an outlet to find their freedom and voice. The reality in writing is that it helps me release the racing thoughts that bind me so that I can take hold of what is true rather than the fears that consume me.
The truth is that wherever God leads, God provides. He's proven that every step of the way.